Warning Signs of Domestic Violence & Abuse

Warning Signs
There is a plethora of warning signs to be on guard for. Some signs are subtle, some are not. Jealousy is a huge warning indicator. Often behavior will be justified as signs of love and concern. If there has been a good level of communication then being interrogated about time spent with family, friends or on hobbies and interests is wrong. Constant “checking up” phone calls when you are out is also a warning bell.

There may be an expectation to be the perfect spouse. They become very dependent for all their needs. The partner becomes the lover, companion, financial supporter, and the only one for spiritual and emotional support. When things go wrong then the partner is blamed for not living up to the perceived expectations.

Neglect

• Does not provide or withholds appropriate food, clothing, & shelter.
• Withholds medication or threatens to withhold medication.
• Does not allow you time alone.
• Sleep deprivation.

Isolation

Isolates you from friends and family; expresses excessive jealousy about your friends and family or curtailing your social interactions. Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Humiliation

• Calling you offensive or derogatory names, insults to intelligence, etc..., humiliating you either when you're alone or with other people.
• Making fun of your body or features; making you feel unattractive or unwanted.
• Saying & doing things that make you feel helpless & trapped.

Controlling Behavior

• Tries to control what you wear, eat, say, spend time with, spend money on, etc.
• You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.
• Do you find yourself having to report where you are at all times?
• Steals money from you, or does not allow you access to your own money.
• Constant phone calls, text-messages, e-mails, IMs, etc. to check up on you (harrassment).
• Extreme jealousy when you talk to or spend time with other people.
• Attempts to forbid you from working or making money

Emotional Manipulation: Fear, Guilt, Worthlessness & Blame-shifting

• Blames you for their actions; makes excuses, blame-shifting, denial.
• Statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
• You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship.
• You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
• You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
• You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
• Are you afraid to say what you think for fear of retribution?
• Have you slowly stopped doing the things you like to do because you know he doesn’t like them?
• If you miss a phone call/text message/email, do you hurry to respond for fear of a fight?
• Does he ignore or reject you as “punishment” for your behavior?
• Do you find yourself agreeing to the things he says just to end/avoid an argument?
• Even when you deserve it, does he refuse to apologize or admit you’re right?
• Threatens to harm himself or herself if you leave the relationship or don't comply with his or her wishes.
• Or, even when it clearly isn’t, does he insist that something is your fault?
• Hypersensitivity, claiming their feelings are hurt when they are really angry, taking unrelated comments as personal attacks.

Threats or Acts of Violence

• Threatens you with physical violence, abandonment, or harm to others you love.
• Becomes violent or controlling when she or he is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
• Is violent towards other people or animals. "Batterers frequently threaten, injure, maim, or kill their partner's or children's pets in conjunction with domestic violence," notes the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• You lie about the bruises or cuts you have.
• Hurts you physically in any way.
• Behavior that you have to apologize or make excuses for.

Pressures you into having any sexual contact you do not want.

• Touches you in an unwelcome, degrading manner.
• Aggressive sex, forced or violent acts during sex, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, refusing any form of intimacy, sulking or anger to manipulate the partner into sex.
• When the abuser emotionally and mentally abuses the victim while asking for sex, this is emotional and mental rape. At times, a woman who is abused will have sex with their partner only to pacify the abuser to stop the "abuse." But a lot of women don't realize that when this happens, they are being "raped." Although, the victim says "yes" to the act, it is the "way" the act happened that makes it emotional rape. In turn, the aftermath of this type of rape leaves the woman feeling dirty and cheap.

Negative Attitude Toward the Opposite Sex

Rigid gender roles, male abusers will see the woman as inferior, female abusers expect the man to fully provide for them.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, and it's an issue on a consistent basis, there is a high chance that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Though the questions refer to a male, keep in mind that men are just as likely to be in emotionally abusive relationships, and may not even know it.

Why emotional abuse is just as bad a physical abuse
Emotional abuse is harder to recognize because it doesn’t have the obvious signs of physical abuse. A raised hand is physical abuse. Bruising is physical abuse. However, emotional bruising, although at times more damaging, is harder to recognize. Once you do recognize it then it’s the first step to improving the situation.

The Mind of the Abuser

Important Comment
Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and feminine adjectives and pronouns ('he", his", "him", "she", her") to designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be.
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To embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on a taxonomy of abusive behaviors. Methodically observing abuse is the surest way of getting to know the perpetrators.

Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters - outdoors, they are wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community. Why this duplicity?

It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser's acts. More importantly, it reflects the his inner world, where the victims are nothing but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid of emotions and needs, or mere extensions of his self. Thus, to the abuser's mind, his quarries do not merit humane treatment, nor do they evoke empathy.

Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his worldview. The victim - and his victimizers - don't realize that something is wrong with the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive. It permeates other spheres of the abuser's life as well. Such people are often narcissists - steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality, besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of omnipotence, omniscience, entitlement, and paranoia.

Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and his prey usually suffer from disturbances in the regulation of their sense of self worth. Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence render the abuser - and his confabulated self - vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure, and adversity - real or imagined.

Abuse is bred by fear - fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control - for instance, over one's spouse - by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.

In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:
Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.

To these we can add:
Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations, invasion of privacy, tactlessness, sexual abuse, physical maltreatment, humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing, objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse.

In his comprehensive essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes", Lundy Bancroft observes: "Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been "mutually hurtful."

Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty - the structure of the interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same. Identifying these patterns - and how they are influenced by prevailing social and cultural mores, values, and beliefs - is a first and indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.

More about this topic here:
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com

Emotional and Verbal Domestic Abuse

Behaviors that Create Psychological Scars
Physical abuse is visible to the world, but emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging to self esteem and the happiness of our relationships.

When people think of domestic abuse, they often imagine bruises, bleeding, external scars or other signs of being beaten. Yet abuse can take many forms. Emotional or verbal abuse is even worse, to some extent, as the effects can't be seen on the surface and people don't take the consequences of these actions as seriously. However, psychological kinds of abuse can be extremely damaging to self esteem and the future of all the individual's relationships.

Domination and Isolation
The abusive spouse usually takes control over the relationship. He may tell his partner what to say and do in specific situations or forbid her from undertaking particular actions or reaching goals. To maintain this dominance, the abuser has to isolate his victim. By telling the spouse lies about her family and friends, the abuser makes his partner lose trust in those who should be her allies. Further, he will usually bar her from going to work or school, environments where she will be able to ask for advice or seek support.

Humiliation and Shame
The abuser needs to make his spouse feel worthless. Once she does, she will be in his power. To effect this, he will call her names, put her down, create feelings of disgust, repulsion and shame in her, try to make her loathe her body, her past and her abilities. He tries to render her incapable of leaving him by emphasizing her general unworthiness. If she believes no one else will find her attractive or interesting, then she will be unable to make the moves required to free herself from his abuse.

Threats and Intimidation
Sometimes the abuse is less subtle than dominance or humiliation and the abuser resorts to outright threats. These could include a threat to damage property, her life or the lives of other loved ones, to leave her without any means of support, or to report her to authorities. Intimidation can involve gestures towards physical violence such as smashing objects in front of you, bashing their own heads or fists into walls, hurting pets, glaring cruelly or overtly displaying weapons.

Blame and Denial
The abuser becomes very adept at lying and shifting the responsibility for his actions onto others, especially his spouse. He may say that he only yelled and insulted his partner because he had a bad day. He may blame his reactions on patterns developed in his childhood. Even worse, he may try to make his spouse feel like she is at fault for causing him to act out. The abuser may make things more confusing for his partner by shifting rapidly between emotional and verbal abuse, apologies, gifts and then further acts of abusiveness.

Emotional and verbal abuse has long range consequences. Any of these patterns of behaviour are signs of an unhealthy relationship that must receive counselling and/or be ended before the abuse continues to escalate.

by Catherine Owen

Original Post: http://emotional-verbal-abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/emotional_and_verbal_domestic_abuse

More on the subject of psychological abuse...

• emotional verbal domestic abuse
• psychological abuse
• patterns of abusive behavior
• dominance and isolation
• humiliation and shame

How to Respond to Physical Abuse

Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind—emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God's plan for a marriage or a family.

For the sake of clarity, I'm going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures.

Also, I think it's important to note that I do not, like some others in today's culture, automatically classify spanking of children as abuse. I believe that loving, controlled physical discipline is biblical, and beneficial for a child. In some cases it can turn abusive when performed with anger or malice, and in those cases it must be stopped.

What do the Scriptures Say?
The Bible does not speak about destructive behavior within the family in terms we use today—"abuse," etc. It does, however, condemn ungodly behavior that can damage a marriage and family—sexual immorality, anger, wrath, malice and more. And it also includes a number of other exhortations that can help you determine how to respond to an abusive situation. For example:

• We should treat others with respect, as we want them to treat us (Matthew 7:12).
• We should love others sacrificially, even to the point of laying down our lives for them (John 15:13).

The Bible is a history of redemption. God can move in the heart of any person, no matter how wicked, and make him a new creature in Christ. And He will use other people in this process—to help show an ungodly person his need for salvation.

• God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), and calls us to uphold the marriage covenant (Matthew 19:1-9).
• We should not seek revenge, but return a blessing for an insult (1 Peter 3:9).
• We should "never pay back evil for evil to anyone" (Romans 12:17).
• We should submit to and comply with government laws (Romans 13:1-10, 1 Peter 2:13-17).
• We should involve others in confronting the sin of a brother in Christ (Matthew 18:15-17).
• We should involve the leaders of the local church when a sinning brother refuses to respond (Matthew 18:17).

When it comes to abuse, Christians should insist that everyone, especially Christians, uphold and obey the civil and criminal laws governing abuse in our society. We should decry abuse in any form, whether verbal or physical. We should seek to eradicate it from marriage, family and church. And we should do everything we can to redeem and help bring the abuser to a point of repentance and a change in behavior. Additionally, we also believe that God has placed authorities such as law enforcement officers in our lives to protect us from those who would do harm to us or our children.

Practical Steps to Take if You're Being Abused
Note: Although the following text is written to abused wives, we understand there are an increasing number of women who are abusive to their husbands. Much of the information here is just as appropriate for men who are being abused.

Step One: Recognize the need for change in your life. According to the American Medical Association, husbands and boyfriends severely assault as many as four million women every year. Many of these women feel trapped, anxious, afraid, and helpless. Some feel they are to blame—that if they could just do better at pleasing their husbands, they could change their situations. Others don't know what to do, or where to go to get help. Most suffer in silence, hiding their situations from family and friends because of the shame and embarrassment they feel. Or perhaps they fear others will not believe them.

Many women have taken bold and courageous steps to seek help, to find freedom from abuse, and to begin the journey toward a new life. Some have even seen their abusers find the help they desperately needed to stop their destructive behavior and to experience healing and recovery in their own lives. Some couples, through the help of intervention and a structured recovery process guided by pastors or biblical counselors, have been able to experience true healing and reconciliation in their marriages.

Yes, it is true that change does take time, a lot of courage, and a great deal of support, but change can happen. And if you are in an abusive situation, change must occur.
Women do not stay in abusive relationships because they like being abused. Nor is it true that only weak, helpless women are caught up in abusive relationships. These are just myths. Many of the women who are involved in abusive relationships are strong, capable women, but over time have been weakened by domestic abuse. In fact, it is often the strongest women who will stay the longest, because they are determined not to give up, convinced that they can change or fix their relationship.

Here are some typical reasons a woman stays with an abusive husband and does not seek the help she needs:

• She still loves him.
• She feels sorry for him, and believes she can help him.
• He promised to get help.
• She feels the good times outweigh the bad.
• She believes if she can work harder to please him, he will treat her better.
• She blames herself and thinks she deserved the beatings.
• She doesn't believe she can escape her batterer's domination.
• She may think other people will believe it's her fault.
• Her abuser threatens to kill her, to kill others and/or himself if she leaves him.
• She feels she cannot financially support herself and/or her children.
• She has no other support system available (friends, family, etc.).
• She believes that if she hangs in there with him, things will change, and get better.
• She fears being alone.
• She came from an abusive home so the violence seems natural.
• She denies or minimizes the abuse, e.g., "It really wasn't that bad. He only hits me every few months."
• She stays because of religious or cultural beliefs (i.e., believing she is abandoning God or her parent's values if she leaves).
• She believes leaving will mean she is a failure as a wife and mother.
• She does not know her legal rights and feels she has no options.
• She stays because of the children.
• She doesn't know anywhere she can move.
• She is too afraid or feels too powerless to leave.
• He isn't always brutal—he can be very loving when he's not abusive.
• She is unaware of the resources available to her1

If you have children, you have another very important reason for change. Studies show that one third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may develop problems such as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence.

Boys who witness their father's abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults. And the struggle with the concept of God, finding it especially difficult to accept the love of an eternal, heavenly Father.

You do not deserve to be abused, nor are you to blame for the abuse that you have suffered. Abuse of any type is wrong, and if you are in an abusive situation, the first step toward new life and freedom is to recognize that there is a need for a change in your life. Change can be difficult, and in some cases, change can be frightening. However, in any type of an abusive situation, change is absolutely necessary for your own well being.

Step Two: Seek outside help and guidance. Do not try to make changes on your own. You will need help during the recovery process, and you will need help as you address the abuse in your marriage relationship.

This is a great time to strengthen your support base of key relationships in your life--your pastor, family members, friends, and others. These relationships may be estranged if your husband has isolated you from them. These people can be of great help to you; they can provide a listening ear, a place to go, financial support, and many other things in your time of need. They also can help provide safety if the situation is dangerous.

If you are not attending a Christ-centered church with a strong, Bible-teaching ministry, now is the time to begin. The church can help you in several ways: love and emotional support, spiritual counseling (individual, marital, and family), food and shelter, financial support, and guidance.

In the past many churches were not equipped to handle the problem of domestic abuse, perhaps because of lack of education about the problem, lack of resources, or an unwillingness to admit that abuse does exist in Christian homes. However, more and more churches are recognizing the need for this type of ministry and are learning how to deal with it biblically. Search for a church that will intervene on your behalf, and give you, and eventually your mate, the proper biblical guidance to safety, healing, recovery and reconciliation.

If that type of help is not available, the next option would be to find a Christian counselor with experience in this area. Other options would include a women's shelter, a licensed counselor, a rape crisis center, a crisis hotline, or some other service in your community that may specialize in helping women.

Outside friends and counselors also can help you learn the rights you have within the law to protect you and to help you as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. There are protection rights, such as restraining orders, to keep your abusive husband away. There are custody rights, property rights, rights regarding finances, etc. While we would urge you to seek help through the church before turning to legal solutions, you need to know your rights and how they apply to your situation, according to the laws in your country, and if the U.S., state of residence, in order to exercise them. To learn about these rights, contact a Christian attorney or legal service, your local police department, the County Bar Association, the city or county prosecutor's office, a women's shelter, or a crisis hotline.

Step Three: Move toward personal recovery by establishing a strong relationship with God. Living in an abusive situation is not God's will for your life. He loves and cares for you, and desires that you experience His love, His peace, His joy, and the abundant life that only He can give. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly."

This is a God who is interested in having a close personal relationship with us. Just read the words of Jeremiah 29:11-12 "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you."

Some of you have grown up hearing about God all your lives, yet you have never experienced the abundant, rich relationship He promises to those who seek Him. Now may be the time to begin that relationship if you never have before. John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (For more information on how to become a Christian, click here).

Some of you do know Christ, but have neglected your relationship with Him. And now is when you need Him more than ever.

Being abused by the man you love can cause many deep wounds, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and physically. Everyone has a need to be loved, respected, valued, trusted, understood, and needed. In an abusive situation, those needs are not being met, and you begin to feel worthless.

God looks at you through different eyes, however. As one of His children, you are loved and accepted by God, today. As Jeremiah 31:3 tells us, "I have loved you with an everlasting love ... "
When you begin to see your worth as God sees it, you view life from a totally different light. You realize that you are made in His image, and that your life has unique purpose and is worth living to the fullest. You begin to realize God has given you strengths, talents and abilities to use in His service. You feel confident and secure about who you are apart from anyone else, and you don't have to worry excessively about what others think.

Rebuilding an understanding of your value to God is a very important step as you move toward freedom and recovery. It will help give you the courage and motivation you may need to make the necessary changes in your life and relationship. It will help give you the strength to take a stand, and say to the abuse, "No more! I am a worthwhile person, valued and loved by God. He does not want me to be treated this way."

Step Four: Determine your level of danger and develop a safety plan. Now that you have acknowledged the problem and realize that there is a need for change in your life, you must determine whether or not your safety is at risk as you attempt to live free of fear, violence, and intimidation.

If you fear for your safety, do not stay in an abusive situation because your husband has promised to get help. Get yourself and your children to safety first, and then encourage him to seek the help he needs. Leaving, and staying away until this happens, may give him the motivation he needs to take such a big step in his life.

Keep in mind that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!

If you are staying in the home out of fear, or if your husband's words or behavior is becoming more and more threatening you need to work out an immediate safety plan. With the help of others (see Step Two), you will need to plan where to keep keys, clothes, medications, and important documents; what to do with your children; where you will go if you have to leave suddenly, and much more. You may need to choose a safe, protected environment where you can be kept hidden from your husband.

Step Five: Move toward reconciliation. One of the most important questions you will ask yourself as you journey toward recovery from abuse is, "Is there hope for my marriage?" Many of your friends and family may tell you to get a divorce, that reconciliation is all but impossible.
Reconciliation in cases of domestic violence is a long and difficult process. But God is the God of reconciliation. He can shine light on even the darkest of hearts.

In many cases, a wife will need to separate (perhaps for months or even years) from her husband in order to ensure her safety, recover from her ordeal and then pursue reconciliation. But before turning to divorce, we recommend that you first pursue reconciliation.

Many batterers will have difficulty recognizing or admitting they have a problem. To change, they must first recognize the behavior, admit it, and truly desire to change. This kind of repentance is possible when God is at work in the heart.

Do not try to confront your husband when the climate between you is still too hot. You may only fuel the flames, resulting in more anger, threats and violence. Only confront him and discuss outside intervention with him when you are safe, when things are calm and during a period when he is remorseful.

Most important, confront your husband with the help of those who are helping you work through this crisis (see Step Two). One of the most important processes the church can provide is the process of church discipline as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17. If your husband calls himself a Christian, this process is God's way of confronting your husband's in and providing for any hope of true repentance and reconciliation.

In many cases abusive men need to experience healing and recovery from the pain, memories, and long-term effects of an abusive childhood. They require help from a biblical counselor trained in dealing with domestic violence and abusive behaviors.

In the process of dealing with his sinful behavior, you might look into some programs through the church that teach men how to be godly husbands and fathers. In these groups he will be able to link up with other Christian men who will stand by him in brotherhood and in friendship, and challenge him to biblical manhood, as well as hold him accountable in his daily walk with Christ and in his treatment of you.

Remember, change doesn't happen overnight. He will have a long road ahead of him that will require some hard times, a lot of work, and a great deal of courage. However in the long run, if he perseveres and leans upon the Lord to change him, he will gain a new sense of self, a strengthened sense of his identity in Christ, and he will learn how, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to exercise self-control as he interacts with you and others day to day. He will learn how to relate to women in healthy ways, and he will eventually experience freedom from a life of shame, guilt, and hopelessness.

On the road to reconciliation you will deal with pain and conflict, you will make mistakes, and you will shed tears. There will be a time of stripping away wrong attitudes, wrong ways of thinking that have prevented you from truly being one with your husband. And there will be a long process of relearning and rebuilding—of love, trust, of mutual respect, and of a marriage and family that will stand the test of time, with Christ at the center.

1 He Makes All Things New and That Means You, quoted with permission from Dorcas House, Little Rock, Ark.[back]

by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner

Original Post: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3599673&content_id={AE32CBA8-2A76-43D7-A6C0-55FE20997FEB}&notoc=1

What God Has Joined

The following article is located at: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/october/20.26.html

What God Has Joined: What does the Bible really teach about divorce?
David Instone-Brewer posted 10/05/2007 08:39 AM Christianity Today, October 2007

I was being interviewed for what would be my first church pastorate, and I was nervous and unsure what to expect. The twelve deacons sat in a row in front of me and took turns asking questions, which I answered as clearly as I could. All went smoothly until they posed this question: "What is your position on divorce and remarriage? Would you remarry a divorcée or divorced man?"

I didn't know if this was a trick question or an honest one. There might have been a deep-seated pastoral need behind it, or it might have been a test of my orthodoxy. Either way, I didn't think I could summarize my view in one sentence; when I thought about it further, I couldn't decide exactly what my view was. I gave a deliberately vague reply. "Every case should be judged on its own merits."

It worked; I got the job. But I made a mental note to study the subject of divorce, and to do it quickly. It's a good thing I did. As it turned out, I was surrounded by people who needed answers to questions raised by divorce and remarriage. My Baptist church was located near an Anglican congregation and two Catholic churches. Divorced men and women from these congregations came asking if we would conduct their weddings, having been denied in their local churches. Then I found that some of my deacons had been divorced and remarried. Should I throw them out of church leadership? If I did, I would lose people I considered some of the most spiritual in the church, people with exemplary Christian homes and marriages.

What Does the Bible Say?
The New Testament presents a problem in understanding both what the text says about divorce and its pastoral implications. Jesus appears to say that divorce is allowed only if adultery has occurred: "Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, and remarries, commits adultery" (Matt. 19:9). However, this has been interpreted in many different ways. Most say that Jesus allows divorce only for adultery. But some argue that Jesus originally didn't allow even that. Only in Matthew does he offer an out from marriage: "except for sexual indecency."

Beyond what Jesus says, Paul also allows divorce. He permits it for abandonment by a nonbeliever (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Many theologians add this as a second ground for divorce.
Yet some pastors have found this teaching difficult to accept, because it seems so impractical—even cruel in certain situations. It suggests there can be no divorce for physical or emotional abuse, and Paul even seems to forbid separation (1 Cor. 7:10).

As a result, some Christians quietly ignore this seemingly "impractical" biblical teaching or find ways around it. For example, they suggest that when Jesus talked about "sexual immorality," perhaps he included other things like abuse. Or when Paul talked about abandonment by a nonbeliever, perhaps he included any behavior that is not supportive of the marriage or abandonment by anyone who is acting like a nonbeliever. Many have welcomed such stretching of Scripture because they couldn't accept what they believed the text apparently said.

But does the literal text mean what we think it does? While doing doctoral studies at Cambridge, I likely read every surviving writing of the rabbis of Jesus' time. I "got inside their heads" enough to begin to understand them. When I began working as a pastor and was confronted almost immediately with divorced men and women who wanted to remarry, my first response was to re-read the Bible. I'd read the biblical texts on divorce many times in the past, but I found something strange as I did so again. They now said something I hadn't heard before I read the rabbis!

'Any Cause' Divorce
The texts hadn't changed, but my knowledge of the language and culture in which they were written had. I was now reading them like a first-century Jew would have read them, and this time those confusing passages made more sense. My book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church (InterVarsity Press), is a summary of several academic papers and books I began writing with this new understanding of what Jesus taught.

One of my most dramatic findings concerns a question the Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful to divorce a wife for any cause?" (Matt. 19:3). This question reminded me that a few decades before Jesus, some rabbis (the Hillelites) had invented a new form of divorce called the "any cause" divorce. By the time of Jesus, this "any cause" divorce had become so popular that almost no one relied on the literal Old Testament grounds for divorce.

The "any cause" divorce was invented from a single word in Deuteronomy 24:1. Moses allowed divorce for "a cause of immorality," or, more literally, "a thing of nakedness." Most Jews recognized that this unusual phrase was talking about adultery. But the Hillelite rabbis wondered why Moses had added the word "thing" or "cause" when he only needed to use the word "immorality." They decided this extra word implied another ground for divorce—divorce for "a cause." They argued that anything, including a burnt meal or wrinkles not there when you married your wife, could be a cause! The text, they said, taught that divorce was allowed both for adultery and for "any cause."

Another group of rabbis (the Shammaites) disagreed with this interpretation. They said Moses' words were a single phrase that referred to no type of divorce "except immorality"—and therefore the new "any cause" divorces were invalid. These opposing views were well known to all first-century Jews. And the Pharisees wanted to know where Jesus stood. "Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any cause?" they asked. In other words: "Is it lawful for us to use the 'any cause' divorce?"

When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn't condemning "divorce for any cause," but rather the newly invented "any cause" divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn't mean divorce was allowable for "immorality" and for "any cause," but that Deutermonomy 24:1 referred to no type of divorce "except immorality."

This was a shocking statement for the crowd and for the disciples. It meant they couldn't get a divorce whenever they wanted it—there had to be a lawful cause. It also meant that virtually every divorced man or women was not really divorced, because most of them had "any cause" divorces. Luke and Matthew summarized the whole debate in one sentence: Any divorced person who remarried was committing adultery (Matt. 5:32; Luke 16:18), because they were still married. The fact that they said "any divorced person" instead of "virtually all divorced people" is typical Jewish hyperbole—like Mark saying that "everyone" in Jerusalem came to be baptized by John (Mark 1:5). It may not be obvious to us, but their first readers understood clearly what they meant.

Within a few decades, however, no one understood these terms any more. Language often changes quickly (as I found out when my children first heard the Flintstones sing about "a gay old time"). The early church, and even Jewish rabbis, forgot what the "any cause" divorce was, because soon after the days of Jesus, it became the only type of divorce on offer. It was simply called divorce. This meant that when Jesus condemned "divorce for 'any cause,' " later generations thought he meant "divorce for any cause."

Reaffirming marriage
Now that we know what Jesus did reject, we can also see what he didn't reject. He wasn't rejecting the Old Testament—he was rejecting a faulty Jewish interpretation of the Old Testament. He defended the true meaning of Deuteronomy 24:1. And there is one other surprising thing he didn't reject: Jesus didn't reject the other ground for divorce in the Old Testament, which all Jews accepted.

Although the church forgot the other cause for divorce, every Jew in Jesus' day knew about Exodus 21:10-11, which allowed divorce for neglect. Before rabbis introduced the "any cause" divorce, this was probably the most common type. Exodus says that everyone, even a slave wife, had three rights within marriage—the rights to food, clothing, and love. If these were neglected, the wronged spouse had the right to seek freedom from that marriage. Even women could, and did, get divorces for neglect—though the man still had to write out the divorce certificate. Rabbis said he had to do it voluntarily, so if he resisted, the courts had him beaten till he volunteered!

These three rights became the basis of Jewish marriage vows—we find them listed in marriage certificates discovered near the Dead Sea. In later Jewish and Christian marriages, the language became more formal, such as "love, honor, and keep." These vows, together with a vow of sexual faithfulness, have always been the basis for marriage. Thus, the vows we make when we marry correspond directly to the biblical grounds for divorce.

The three provisions of food, clothing, and love were understood literally by the Jews. The wife had to cook and sew, while the husband provided food and materials, or money. They both had to provide the emotional support of marital love, though they could abstain from sex for short periods. Paul taught the same thing. He said that married couples owed each other love (1 Cor. 7:3-5) and material support (1 Cor. 7:33-34). He didn't say that neglect of these rights was the basis of divorce because he didn't need to—it was stated on the marriage certificate. Anyone who was neglected, in terms of emotional support or physical support, could legally claim a divorce.

Divorce for neglect included divorce for abuse, because this was extreme neglect. There was no question about that end of the spectrum of neglect, but what about the other end? What about abandonment, which was merely a kind of passive neglect? This was an uncertain matter, so Paul deals with it. He says to all believers that they may not abandon their partners, and if they have done so, they should return (1 Cor. 7:10-11). In the case of someone who is abandoned by an unbeliever—someone who won't obey the command to return—he says that the abandoned person is "no longer bound."

Anyone in first-century Palestine reading this phrase would think immediately of the wording at the end of all Jewish, and most Roman, divorce certificates: "You are free to marry anyone you wish."

Putting all this together gives us a clear and consistent set of rules for divorce and remarriage. Divorce is only allowed for a limited number of grounds that are found in the Old Testament and affirmed in the New Testament:
Adultery (in Deuteronomy 24:1, affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19)
Emotional and physical neglect (in Exodus 21:10-11, affirmed by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7)
Abandonment and abuse (included in neglect, as affirmed in 1 Corinthians 7)

Jewish couples listed these biblical grounds for divorce in their marriage vows. We reiterate them as love, honor, and keep and be faithful to each other. When these vows were broken, it threatened to break up the marriage. As in any broken contract, the wronged party had the right to say, "I forgive you; let's carry on," or, "I can't go on, because this marriage is broken."
Therefore, while divorce should never happen, God allows it (and subsequent remarriage) when your partner breaks the marriage vows.

Reading the Bible and ancient Jewish documents side-by-side helped me understand much more of the Bible's teaching about divorce and marriage, not all of which I can summarize here. Dusty scraps of parchment rescued from synagogue rubbish rooms, desert caves, and neglected scholarly collections shone fresh light on the New Testament. Theologians who have long felt that divorce should be allowed for abuse and abandonment may be vindicated. And, more importantly, victims of broken marriages can see that God's law is both practical and loving.

David Instone-Brewer is senior research fellow in rabbinics and the New Testament at Tyndale House, Cambridge. He is married with two daughters.

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Related Elsewhere:
David Instone-Brewer and David Neff responded to concerns about this article in CT Liveblog.
Christianity Today's articles on divorce and remarriage include: Lives of Quiet Turbulence Elizabeth Marquardt on what happens in the souls of children of divorce. (March 1, 2006)
Dissecting Divorce A new book by Elizabeth Marquardt offers a child's-eye-view of divorce. (Oct. 25, 2005)
The Next Sexual Revolution By practicing what it preaches on marriage, the church could transform society. A Christianity Today editorial (August 27, 2003)
Can One Become Two? What Scripture says about Christians and divorce. (August 31, 2000)
Remarriage: Two Views Two New Testament professors debate whether remarriage is acceptable for Christians. (August 31, 2000)
Divorce and Remarriage from Augustine to Zwingli How Christian understanding about marriage has changed—and stayed the same—through history. (August 31, 2000)
Directions: You're Divorced—Can You Remarry? The New Testament seems to support divorce for a narrow range of reasons, but does it support remarriage? (October 4, 1999)
Also see our section on divorce & remarriage.