There is a plethora of warning signs to be on guard for. Some signs are subtle, some are not. Jealousy is a huge warning indicator. Often behavior will be justified as signs of love and concern. If there has been a good level of communication then being interrogated about time spent with family, friends or on hobbies and interests is wrong. Constant “checking up” phone calls when you are out is also a warning bell.
There may be an expectation to be the perfect spouse. They become very dependent for all their needs. The partner becomes the lover, companion, financial supporter, and the only one for spiritual and emotional support. When things go wrong then the partner is blamed for not living up to the perceived expectations.
Neglect
- Does not provide or withholds appropriate food, clothing, & shelter.
- Withholds medication or threatens to withhold medication.
- Does not allow you time alone.
- Sleep deprivation.
Isolates you from friends and family; expresses excessive jealousy about your friends and family or curtailing your social interactions. Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors.
Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.
Humiliation
- Calling you offensive or derogatory names, insults to intelligence, etc..., humiliating you either when you're alone or with other people.
- Making fun of your body or features; making you feel unattractive or unwanted.
- Saying & doing things that make you feel helpless & trapped.
Controlling Behavior
- Tries to control what you wear, eat, say, spend time with, spend money on, etc.
- You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.
- Do you find yourself having to report where you are at all times?
- Steals money from you, or does not allow you access to your own money.
- Constant phone calls, text-messages, e-mails, IMs, etc. to check up on you (harrassment).
- Extreme jealousy when you talk to or spend time with other people.
- Attempts to forbid you from working or making money
- Blames you for their actions; makes excuses, blame-shifting, denial.
- Statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
- You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship.
- You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
- You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
- You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
- Are you afraid to say what you think for fear of retribution?
- Have you slowly stopped doing the things you like to do because you know he doesn’t like them?
- If you miss a phone call/text message/email, do you hurry to respond for fear of a fight?
- Does he ignore or reject you as “punishment” for your behavior?
- Do you find yourself agreeing to the things he says just to end/avoid an argument?
- Even when you deserve it, does he refuse to apologize or admit you’re right?
- Threatens to harm himself or herself if you leave the relationship or don't comply with his or her wishes.
- Or, even when it clearly isn’t, does he insist that something is your fault?
- Hypersensitivity, claiming their feelings are hurt when they are really angry, taking unrelated comments as personal attacks.
Threats or Acts of Violence
- Threatens you with physical violence, abandonment, or harm to others you love.
- Becomes violent or controlling when she or he is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Is violent towards other people or animals. "Batterers frequently threaten, injure, maim, or kill their partner's or children's pets in conjunction with domestic violence," notes the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
- You lie about the bruises or cuts you have.
- Hurts you physically in any way.
- Behavior that you have to apologize or make excuses for.
Pressures you into having any sexual contact you do not want.
- Touches you in an unwelcome, degrading manner.
- Aggressive sex, forced or violent acts during sex, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, refusing any form of intimacy, sulking or anger to manipulate the partner into sex.
- When the abuser emotionally and mentally abuses the victim while asking for sex, this is emotional and mental rape. At times, a woman who is abused will have sex with their partner only to pacify the abuser to stop the "abuse." But a lot of women don't realize that when this happens, they are being "raped." Although, the victim says "yes" to the act, it is the "way" the act happened that makes it emotional rape. In turn, the aftermath of this type of rape leaves the woman feeling dirty and cheap.
Rigid gender roles, male abusers will see the woman as inferior, female abusers expect the man to fully provide for them.
If you answer yes to any of these questions, and it's an issue on a consistent basis, there is a high chance that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Though the questions refer to a male, keep in mind that men are just as likely to be in emotionally abusive relationships, and may not even know it.
Why emotional abuse is just as bad a physical abuse
Emotional abuse is harder to recognize because it doesn’t have the obvious signs of physical abuse. A raised hand is physical abuse. Bruising is physical abuse. However, emotional bruising, although at times more damaging, is harder to recognize. Once you do recognize it then it’s the first step to improving the situation.
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